From Paralysing Anxiety to Profound Freedom: Becca’s Story

I have been trying to find the words to do justice to my experience at the psilocybin retreat I attended last month, but, to be honest, it has been a virtually impossible task. It is one of – if not the most – profound experiences of my entire life. Nothing could have prepared me for just how transformative it would be. To give a bit of context as to just how life-changing it has been I will give a bit of background to me and why I chose to attend in the first place. For as long as I can remember, severe social anxiety has been a part of my life. As a child I had very few friends and school was a complete nightmare and there were times when I was selectively mute because talking was simply beyond me. I had a pretty troubled home life with alcoholism being a reality for both my parents, exacerbated by the sudden death of my sister just before she turned 10. In my teens and early adulthood, I used all the methods I could to dull the pain I was experiencing. Drugs, alcohol, pharmaceuticals & other damaging behaviours all kept me in a cycle that meant I stayed tethered to my story. Again and again, I retraced old patterns and experienced a lot of abusive situations as a result. The darkness I found myself in would confirm my belief that the world was a scary place and that other people were to be feared. A feeling of dread followed me everywhere and normal situations caused me anxiety so extreme it would be paralysing.

Over the past 15 years, I have been on a conscious spiritual path and I have stopped much of the self-destructiveness and as a result, my life has improved greatly. But the one thing that remained was the social anxiety, albeit with less ferocity than in my youth. Being with other humans still terrified me, which is a bit tricky as they tend to be everywhere! The pain of this affliction cannot be overstated – it is torturous because it affects every aspect of life. Things that are supposed to be pleasurable become a minefield of stress and anguish. Just walking into a room with other people in it could feel like an impossibility – physically, mentally and emotionally. My whole being would contract into a state of extreme stress meaning I would act in fight or flight mode. This is why I could often come across as rude or strange because I couldn’t fully engage my cognitive abilities or relax to allow myself to be truly visible, always hiding parts of myself. Until the retreat, I didn’t realise how much shame was attached to this – shame of needing help, and of being unhealed, so much so I could never really allow myself to be vulnerable. I was so embarrassed about how I could act around others that I don’t think I ever really confronted the full truth about how I was feeling. To be completely honest, I don’t think I ever believed I could be healed from the grip of it and my vision was restricted to finding ways to live with it, rather than to become liberated from it.

My time with you all at Rejuvyn not only gave me the ability to see beyond this limited way of thinking, but it also gave me a gift I did not believe possible. In only one ceremony I was released from something that I believe represents this disorder and I now feel myself completely free of it. And not only that, but it has also shown me that I can let go of the shame and accept myself as I am. Despite the suffering I have felt through the presence of social anxiety disorder, I didn’t realise the full weight of it until feeling the lightness of its absence. It is the most liberating, wonderful thing and it has not only given me the possibility of living in a different way, but it has opened my eyes to the potential in everything. Suddenly existence is so much bigger and so much more exciting. I can now see that anything is possible & it is magical.

Your kindness, love & support, as well as the non-judgemental understanding you demonstrated at every stage, has been one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Your patience and gentleness and genuine desire for the best for all of us, was just incredible, starting with my first interaction with Maria & continuing right up to this point (reaching out to you, Maria, before the retreat was a huge thing for me – thank you beyond words for your compassionate, thoughtful and kind response, it really was my first step into the immense healing I was about to experience) The ceremony itself was perfect, with every detail considered and I felt completely safe & free to go along with whatever experience would arise for me. It would be impossible to articulate how huge this is for someone who would agonise over every single word and interaction under normal circumstances. For me to feel completely safe in a foreign country, amongst strangers, doing something completely new and quite terrifying means that you were fulfilling your roles as facilitators magnificently. Thank you is simply not big enough to encapsulate the depth of gratitude I feel.

I am still assimilating everything and believe I will be for a long time and this process is massively helped by the ongoing support we receive after the retreat. To summarise, it is undeniable that the whole experience was incredibly challenging for me with every aspect being completely outside my comfort zone, but I could never explain just how happy I am to have found Rejuvyn and to have followed my instincts to participate, despite the agonising terror it elicited in me. To draw an analogy, it was like being trapped in a room without the knowledge anything beyond existed. Over the years I have made the room a more pleasant place to live in – I have cleaned and decorated, opened the curtains to look at a view, but I never really acknowledged I could step outside. My experience of taking this sacred medicine enabled me to open the door and step into something completely new. It has freed me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything and I know I will be back to continue my healing journey.

There is so much more I could say but I will leave it there, I just hope you can all feel the depth of my appreciation. I hope there is something within this you can use as a review but do let me know if you would like me to send something different (perhaps more concise!)
So much love to you all,